switzerlanD!

hoho. in switzerland now!

blogging cause i got nothing better to do hahahaha.

we just finished an interesting game of scrabble xD

haha we went up a mountain today!

the 'top of europe'!

super cooooool.

like the awesome winds and nice ice!

I SAW SNOWWWWW :)

hahahaha.

nothing else to say x)

bye.

germany :'(

and so my trip drraws to an end.
look out for my journal, which will come soon!

new phone!

hahah yay i've finally gotten a 'new' old phone.
lol.
it belongs to my uncle, but he gave it to my mom, who had no idea how to use it.
:DD

so now it's mine 8)

yay.
it's a SE P1i.
UIQ based OS.
so flexible haha.
pity there are not many apps online.
butttttt
i'm way beyond content :D

haha short post for today.
bb.

honour band!

todayyyy

very very busy day

schedule:

0730h woke up

0803h reached school

1200h finished band

1230h reached home

1315h left the house

1347h reached ACJC

1500h finished audition

1510h left ACJC

1630h reached church

1900h had dinner and left for RFG

2220h reached home

2342h blogging now lol :D

hahaha.

pretty interesting day

i missed out something at 1720h:

message from David Zhao: You got in

YAY.

i got into honours band for jc poly band fest :DD

yayyyyy

hoho.

i practised kinda hard for it, though i did make quite a few mistakessssss.

hoho.i need to prepare for my trip to germany soooon

v v v excited :DD

yayyy.

taking orders for gummy bears, chocolate and sausages :))

haha ok ok.

must go to sleep le.

tomorrow morning worship must stay awakeeeeee.

must take flu jab tmr too o.O

k, night!

it's been a while!

haha omg.

long long long time since i posted.

i wanna revive my blog, hence the new design :DD

well.

today was a normal day, i guess.

went to sch, practised my audition piece.

still can't get it right and the audition is tmr aft =/

i hope i get into honour band.

if not, i won't be learning anything, which sucks.

the reason why i signed up for band fest in the first place was

so i could learn some stuff from it.

and i also wanna see where i stand in our batch in general.

i hope i get owned :D then can see how to improve.

wheeee :D

after that, went for 3rd lang, pretty interesting lesson today.

talking about some songggg.

ya omg germans put so much thought into lyrics they forget to make melodies.

wth. this is the second song our teacher showed us and both were just people narrating lyrics =.=

dumb right =.=

hmm.

well.

i guess that's a good post for today :D

many many more posts ahead!

hopefully i can include pics too.

but... nothing much to take anyway =/

ta ta for now!

reflections?

Well, today, i had to meet up my band teacher in charge for a meeting.
a scolding, really.

i mean, throughout the whole time i was ridiculing her, in my mind, of course.
it's really quite funny, how she thinks of us as self-centred bloated rafflesians who never spared a thought about others and the people around ourselves.
all this time, she was starting off many sentences with "why should I.."
how she thought of us as inconsiderate people when all the time, she was going on about how she had to do so many many many things. how she had responsibilities to students as a teacher and whatnot.
believe it or not, she said something like "oh, it's easy to get an MC, for you guys. but for myself, the two teachers, we have responsibilities which are very different from yours." the way she said it. Like we took an MC because we were TIRED?
like wth. i told her i had a fever of 39.2 degrees and she said "the teachers ourselves weren't feeling too well either" YOU THINK I WANTED TO FALL SICK?
YOU THINK I WANTED TO SUFFER SPLITTING HEADACHES AND COUGHS?
LIKE WTH.

okay concerning the concert, i admit i had my mistakes.
it was bad on my part, to have forgotten about the percs.
i was as lost as anyone else, and that is my fault too.
i didn't relay the message that everyone was to go straight to the loading bay.
and what, she complains that she got home at 12+?
wth. i don't believe that. she left the school at 10:50, latest.
by car, excuse me. i do'nt think she would take that long to drive.

it's funny how the person shepraised was the one to tell me to tel everyone to go to the stage door. i was LOST. i didn't know what to do. i didn't know where everyone was. we should have at least shown some initiative and seen her? but where the heck was she. and what, i was supposed to leave those people who went by the stage door?

arghhhh. i'm just so frustrated!
hais. i never should have accepted this position.
i know i'm not the kind of admin person, some details just disappear on me.
i dunno, looking back, it was always the quiet dextrous person who did the admin,
and the bubbly jovial person being the support on which the BM could rely on.
i dunno, why did she have to intefere.
not that zy is bad or anything, but idk.
i wonder if things would be different if i weren't the BM.
maybe i'm not suited for this.

hai. but now, given the opportunity, i have to work more.
yes, i've been given responsibility, and i should behave as someone befitting of his responsibilities. i will live this through.
i will do my job.

Dead too long

Ok hello everyone, Lucas hasn't updated for more than a month and its so annoying coming t this site and seeing th same old post, hands up if you think so too.
Anyway school's started, so much for all th H1N1 shiz, whats th point of a pandemic if we carry on life as pernormal? Totally defeats th purpose. I think E-learning is awesome ttm and is totally not used(enough).
Anyway i thought it was pretty interesting that Lucas' password is still th same ^^ I might just go change it t something else hahaha. On another note, school is so sucky. On another other note, i totally missed school today. On another other other note, i've not watched transformers(!!!!!!!) I think i'm going too far with th whole anti-conformity thing. And Megan Fox IS so a man, th world is so screwed how can men make such gorgeous women but not vice versa? (BTWFYI, i am totally content being a girl, discounting all th bloody periods(omg pun), and other stuff girls have t do like waxing(which is srsly hazardous).
One really awesome thing about MF, her tattoo.(above)
I think people that get like retarded things such as fruits, fishes, turtles and unknown japanese words are kinda psycho? But whoaaaa, 'We will all laugh at gilded butterflies.' Quote from shakespeare's King Lear. It prolly has no meaning but still how cool is thatttttt. *Jessica Alba

Totally loving his(Jeffree Star) heels up there. They so remind me of th ones from Topshop which I've been lusting over for th longest time:
Apparently topshop fancies th idea that they're now a high-end brand and refuse t embrace th spirit of th GSS, though alternatively, River Island's shoes are totally fab too, and they have huge sizes. (omg gr8 for people like me with 7.5 size feet) Before you go all omg what th hell why does she have such huge feet, cuz i know you're thinking it. Paris Hilton(who's a size 13), says 'People with big feet have bigger imaginations and bigger bank accounts.' Totally inspiration or whaaaaaaaaat?! And i think this is like wrong t bad mouth brands but all this talk about shoes is making me so pissed off at Charles and Keith, srsly not everybody has size smaller than size 7 feet. Unlucky people like me who still totally patronize them have t totally squeeze. Squeezing=blisters=ugly feet=phobia of wearing slippers=more squeezing. Equations!^^
Speaking of equations reminds me, i ltotally lost my calculator, that would be th third one I've lost in two and a half years? How am i supposed t do stuff like trigo and log with my PHONE CALCULATOR? I sweaaaar, if i grow up and become th CEO of like nokia (yes not LG cuz my gorgeous albeit bimbo LG viewty dropped and is not in comatose), I would totally put more functions in phone calculators. Watch out for it(!!!!)
O.M.G I just realized M.F and J.S have something in common. Like her last name is actually Foxx, and his is actually Starr. People like me who want long surnames (ok easier for me i just have t marry a Mr mysurnameissoultralongi'mnotgonnatypeitout) are like so sad and they're shortening theirs?! Talk about issues.
Fb is getting all boring and i saw this quiz thing on my homepage, 'Which crazy bitch are you?' and my friend got Sylvia Plath. I was like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat th hell, she's like th most awesome poet ever. Hahaha talk about th world, where deep=psycho. Sure is something t think about.

xx

and you think i know no pain?

pain? what would they know?
sorrow? how many of them have experienced the half of what i have?
do they reserve any right to speak of it?

would i not understand that feeling?
pain? a pastime
loneliness? a daily struggle
guilt? a constant quicksand
rejection? an eternal fact of life
inferiority? every second of my education
shame? more than anyone could ever imagine
disappointment? beyond belief

pain is no more than a fact of life for me.
and they say i don't understand it.

they think i'm simply who i am at the surface.
they don't know me.

so much, so much you all don't know.
what right have you to speak.

you know not of what i've been through.
expectations, shames, disappointments are all but part of my life.

but i live on,
treasuring the little happiness i can find.
relishing it, cherishing it.

i cling on to what little i have,
and survive.

the time shall come,
when i will be made new.
when my sorrows, hurts and all my pain,
will be taken away, to the lofty heavens,
lost, to be recovered no more.
it is until then, i cling on to the hope of my calling.
it is until then, i await You, my Lord.

pressure

hmm.
and the pressure builds.

the responsibilities pile up.
the burdens hit the skies.

let's do this.







chem test. chinese CT.
FTW.

rjcsb syf'09

ahhh.
and that concludes yet another chapter in my CCA life ><

hahaha.
but today i wrote a lot of things.
okay first.
my phone.
after i heard the results and everything
and we were all outside the room.

some crying, some controlling, some sad.
but for some reason, i was feeling rather strange,
i wrote this:

Amidst the cheers, the cries, the emotions,
i stand, stolid, indifferent.
Regrets of the past serve nothing more than meaningless distractions,
striving to tear apart, to break down all but the strongest.
the past, yes, the past is but what it is: the past.
what can anyone benefit from clinging to what was gone,
to what was but a shadow events past.
for what's gone, i am content.
for what's ahead, i remain anticipative.
as for now, this chapter has closed.


hmm.
strange eh.
then we went for dinner.
and i felt.. weird.
detached, maybe.

i hope noone from band reads this,
but this is wad i wrote:

why do i see myself,
as one apart from the rest.

why can i choose,
to ignore the mindless chatter.

people change, fitting moods,
people change, fitting surroundings.

and all this,
to what end?

To impress, to confide?
to make a friend or something more?

how pride can change people.
envy, jealousy, pride and popularity.
vices and snares threatening to pull us down.

but no.
i stand apart, sanctified.

one will come,
shout fate show mercy.

and till then,
i'd wait, ever so patiently.



ah.
i think i'm lovelorn D:
oh well.
wadeva.

signing off,
LUCAS.

will you ever be mine,
you who stole my heart?

will you ever acknowledge me,
as your admirer, your lover?

will you ever notice me,
one day maybe cherish me?

i fear,
cause my hope is dwindling.

i fear,
cause my heart is confused

i fear,
cause you may never be mine.

did you ever know,
the pain, the envy, when i see you with him.

did you ever decipher,
the 'smiles' i had been forced to give, when you were with him.

it has become a torture,
almost everytime i see you.

all these years,
faithful to one,
and yet,
to no avail?

pain?
who said i didn't know pain?

sorrow?
who said i didn't know sorrow.

all you people there,
taking everyone and everything at face value,
thinking everything can be seen on the surface.

you never know how wrong you can be.
you never know how many 'smiles' you see everyday.

who's real?
who's not?

only He can see the heart.
and only He knows me.

weiqi, i'm sorry.

to one who will never read this,
i apologise.

to that same one,
i am sorry, i truly am.

many times i have ridiculed, even mocked,
the childishness of the people i knew.
many times i have laughed off,
the oblivion i thought people suffered from.

but i am no different.

time after time,
i resent their childishness,
but i still act as one of them.
time after time,
i despise their comments,
but i still make them.
time after time,
i think myself mature,
but i am no different.

i finally am at the threshold of maturity.
and i understand, at least, this much.

one able to consider his maturity,
should already be a mature person,
for one immature would never admit.

yet, people reckon me childish, ignorant.
the last to describe me being mature.
of that, i was resentful, defiant.

but i now know why.

it is not two finite definitions, classifications, perhaps,
that define people's maturity.
there is yet an intermediate.
'non-maturity' as i'd call it.

yes, non-maturity is what i am at.
it is the stage whereby,
one knows and differs being childish,
yet, doesn't change.

what defines, or what others would be able to view as maturity,
is when a person is able to MAKE the choice to be mature.

everything has a reaction.
ironically, action-reaction, action-reaction.

without action, can there be reaction?
without making the choice, will the change be seen?

to weiqi,
i'm sorry.
i know i'm wrong.
i acknowledge my faults and won't make any excuses.
i have hurt you and for that, i regret.
i wish i could make amends.
and somehow, i know this has and will become a big obstacle between us.
i miss the times we talked, long ago.
we have distanced, to my greatest regret.
and i am sorry for hurting you.

but above all,
thank you, thank you so very much,
for letting me realize what ihave.

who am i?

i dunno how many times i've considered this.
who am i.
but today.
it's a different perspective.

i realize i am very self conscious.
i am very concerned about what people consider me to be.
the responses i get sometimes disappoint me.
but then again, that's how i portray myself to be.
possible? probable.

i am saddened, sometimes.
of me, they describe,
a gleeful retard,
of inconsequential intelligence.
a shallow being,
of little spatial awareness.

am i really?
am i who i portray myself to be?

why then?
why the actions i make?

to seek attention,
to make people notice me.
to obtain recognition,
to make people like me.

the result?
a self conceited looking person,
who diss people more than entertain them.

why can't i be a quiet mysterious person,
instead of a person of many masks.

why must i be who i'm not?
but that depends on who i am,
whether alone, or with companions.

to be in a group,
to be in solitude,
why am i different?

there must exist some reason,
some possible notion in the back of the head,
for why i play the fool,
for why i survive on attention.

this has to stop.
i want to change.
i don't want to be the noisy retard.
i want to be the model,
i want to be the one people look up to,
i want to be, who i am not?

sometimes i wish i had a friend who truly knew me.
who could read me as easily as i read most people.
someone who could put my masks aside,
and see me for i truly am.

till then, i stand alone.
with Christ my Saviour, to pull me through.

change me,
mould me,
i pray.
take me,
and me yours.
this i pray.

revive!

hais..
this is a weak attempt to revive my blog.

ahh
i'm just feeling really tired right now.

i'm tired, i'm worn.
tomorrow's math test.
i dun feel like studying.

mom's shouting around the house.
i don't feel like concentrating.
i feel like sleeping.

i'm confused over so many things
hopeful, though it's too unlikely.

envious, jealous, maybe.
but too confused to decide.

i dunno why but life's losing direction.
i don't see myself doing well in anything.
i don't see myself becoming who i wanna be.
i don't see myself doing what i should even be doing.
i'm starting to worry about the future
i'm starting to worry about my life.
i'm starting to worry about my relationship with God.

"let tomorrow worry for itself",perhaps.
but i dunno.
i'm so tired now.
band band band band band.

not that that's making me tired.
that's something to look forward to, infact, everyday.
lesson's are going crzy.
i'm two tutorials behind for math.
i barely understand the thrid topic of chem and we're on the fifth.
german's freaking me out.
GP's far less than wad i want.
Physics, nothing much to say.
really boring lessons.
REALLY MISS MY SECSCHOOL PHYSICS TEACHER!!

argh.
band band band. :D

at least something that can make me smile.
i really feel like sleeping now.

just staring around,
i feel the dryness in my eyes.
never thought it took so much effort to simply look around =[
i'm stoning as i ponder what else to say.

ahh.
boy, i'm tired.
tired of hoping.
tired of waiting.
tired of knowing naught.

i wish i were smarter.
i wish i were more talented.
i wish i had a flair for more things
i wish.. for so much more than i can ever have.

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
i must get back to God.
i've been drifting further and further.
and still doing nothing about it.

church is becoming routine.
i can no longer keep focussed.
somethingneeds to be done about my life.

I NEED A CHANGE.
a change of routine.
a change of heart
a change of attitude
a change of priorities.

someone, help me.

Dear Lord I pray,
that you visit me today.
to take my pain,
and throw it far away.
remind me of how great You are.
show me Your strength, Your love, Your power.
bring me close to you.
that my love for you may ever be true.
hold me tight,
in the light,
and never me out of your loving embrace.
i want to commit everything to you.
teach me to let go, and trust in You.
for You, Lord, and You only,
can make me new.




-reflections of a mortal-
lucas, signing off.

Post #100

I am updating for G for th first time in like eons.
Anyway he's busy i'm busy, h8 s'pore's education system.
I think it sucks hxc, goodbye.

99th post!

haha anyways.
this is the 99th post, yes.

hahahaha.
this few days have been ohmygosh-ish tiring.

hahahaha.
i've been going home at like 8 plus and today i got home and 10 -.-
reason?
music feste.
hahaha. the pracs are super fun.
quite unproductive, but still very fun.
i mean like, it's not everyday u get such a cool opportunity can. =]
people from CO, chamber, band and whatnots all from diff places.
all playing together!
how awesome is that!
hahahahaha.
it's really very fun!
but i really feel dam handicpped.
so many music geniuses there =[

hahahahaa.
oh well.

school's also quite okay.
starting to get into the mode of things.
except for chem -.-
maths is okay, as far as my tutor is concerned,
but the probability lectures are starting to get confusing ><
physics is okay, i guess.
thanks to markwee's (my sec school) awesomeness,
my physics is still surviving =]]
hahaha.

german is still omg-ish scary, but i think i'm starting to get used to it.
my teacher thinks we all are dam smart, which some of them are, though.
hahahahahaha.
oh well.
it's starting to get fun-er
i just got to know the people in my class.
only person i knew was kerryn.
and weiqi, who quit ><

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..
i've been really bust this week.
tomorrow.
i need to bring like, 3 sets of clothes.
one set of uniform, one set of PE, house T for music feste, and one set for oneVoice rehearsal.

arghhhh.

hmmmmmmm...
i think school's just getting funner and funner
hahaha.
wooooooots.
i hope it gets better.



oh but it's tiring x]
it's 11:52 but it feels like 2am, during the hols.

hahahaha.
physically and mentally draining =[


and ya, i've been neglecting my blog so much
sorry for all those who ask for links.
cause i really tooo lazy and tired to add in the links and all ><
heh.

i guess that's enough.
readers, sorry for the rarity of posts ><

hahahaha.
that's all, folks. :D



cheers,
lucas

Okay so omg i watched moulin rouge yesterday its like sad t th max.
I cried and cried and cried like why must she die omg why
and then th stupid duke h8 him h8 him!!!
And this is so irrelevant but i'm alive-ing G's blog!

Anyway i feel random but i think G is undergoing major changes!
Like he's so apathetic or maybe i'm just beginning t notice.
And omg omg i have A maths test tomorrow.
Some one do for me and i will love/marry you forever.
Okay actually its kinda easy so nevermind,

And i saw G in church today he likes my pullover i know.
K good night ya'll xxxxxx

outing

haha.
today i went on an outing.
but once again, i've gone into a reflective mode.

what struck this thought was
a phrase i hear quite often, really.
"eh lucas ah, never change one, you"
haha.

anyway.
but i was thinking.

if one changes, what is left?
does he become another person altogether?
does he lose what he was before?
maturity, they call it?
hypocrisy, some name it?

i guess, change is inevitable.
people change, people mature.
but of what reasons?
the need to change oneself.
does that become hypocrisy,
being who you are not?
does that count as being double faced,
where only you know the true you?
who are you, really?
do you know?
are you sure?

questions, questions, questions.
lead to doubts,
lead to self delusion,
lead to... depression?

as far as i am concerned,
i recognize two 'me's.
is that wrong?
in appropriate circumstances,
i seem to switch between the two.
sometimes consciously,
sometimes not.
much as i strive to be who i want to be,
the original pops out.
i mean, that's just 'ME'
should i change?
should i strive for 'maturity'?

the other me,
the more 'mature' me,
whom people have rarely seen,
is one that thinks.
that's a virtue, in my opinion.
he is reserved, observant, thoughtful, concerned.
this person will not spout rubbish.
he is reflective, quiet, encouraging.
but how many people have seen this?

probably a hand full, maybe less.
this is cause, i say with much remorse,
i am an attention seeker (confession, ohmygosh?)
yes, i am.
oh well. it's just in me.
i spout rubbish a lot.
sometimes to be liked,
sometimes to be noticed.
i rarely understand why i do it anyway.
what's the point.

i, personally, don't like the idea of acquaintances.
acquaintances, i can easily say hundreds. maybe a thousand?
but of good (talk-able) friends, 10, 15?
close (confidable) friends 5?
see the difference?

all i ask in life, is maybe 5 good friends,
who can understand me, push me, encourage me.
in my opinion, that is more than enough for everyone.
these 5 good friends, who can go thru flame and hail for you,
through the land and sea to see you, and climb your mountains with
you on their backs.
how often can you find friends like that now?

people in this time and age,
all play a role in the great stage as casts.
when do we actually get off the stage,
and find ourselves.
perhaps the greatest way for anyone to be successful,
is the 'mere' task of self discovery.
that is all, maybe, i need.
self discovery.

haha.
hello ppeoplessss.
i'm here after acceding (rightword, perhaps?) to a threat.
i'm forced to post!
hahah.a
anyway.
these few days have been really boring.

i mean like, i go to sch for 3 hours then go home.
it's quite sad, really.
and it's not like the lectures are fun or anything.
some are really boring and all.

haha. but last night, went jamming (practise for OneVoice) for the firs ttime o.O
then went to marvin's house overnight stay.

hahaha. we went out at like, midnight to eat prata.

hahaha. camwhoring in the mid of the road x]

haha.
then we did a jigsaw puzzle!
1000 pieces in the night!
we finished at like, 3+am.

x]

video of the finishers =]

so anyway, ya. i twas fun.
and i'm super tired now!

haha. and once again, thanks to althea for posting x]

Clique! (excluding ____people) And yez i have short arms. (!!)
G can you update, tsk i've been posting so much k!

Anyway anyway like like like today is saturday.
And i was supposed t meet my maggy but malfunctioned again. ): x10.
So okay i have violin then i'm meeting some online girl t pay up!
Yayorz Althea needs new clothes badly like omg my wardrobe sucks now.
School has been pretty annoying like i only went for 3 days!
Cny cny cny cny cny cny cny.
Omg and red cliff II is so ultra sad i cried like 98765678 times.
But my Takeshi Kaneshiro didn't die omg he's so smart (L)

G IF YOU DONT UPDATE BY THIS WEEK I WILL STEP ON YOU TOMORROW WITH HEELS. Big smiley from me t you (:

Heh heh i know i'm late but happy birthday!
Yes i know my photo editting sucks but like i don't have photoshop okay!
So i used paint, th annoying thing didn't allow me t paste my photo there.
So i like resized it? G looks like some anorexic (spsps) retard!!(!!!!!!!!)
Its okay i look like nonsense too but its th only photo i have by myself ):

Okay birthday post!!
Hello G you have been my bestf for, uh 2 years?
Like a super mega ultra awesome one.
Even though i get th feeling you hardly understand some things i say,
Thanks for always listening.
And for th times i'd just rant at you when i was so angry
and and my not always so nice language,
my lousy attitude all, you'd like just listen.
Imagine, like two years of my hxchxc pms?
Talk about high threshold hahahaha (:
Yay and all th times i'd tell you about my crazy crushes!!
Like all 876487654345678743of them!
AND I'D LISTEN T YOUR ONLY ONE AND GET SO SHUDDERSHUDDERISH.
Oh oh and you never laughed at my marraigemarrieage(spsps) t like Ronaldo
Or tom felton or justin timberlake or david beckam!!!
Or did you? haha okay nevermind but you listened anyway! (:
YES BUT I KNOW YOU LAUGH AT MY SNEEZE.

K no more digressing.
Summary:
Yayorz for my bestf you're so old now ahaha i'm still 14!!
Love you muchos but before anyone takes this wrongly.
AS A FRIEND HELLO, AND TYVM PEOPLE.

Whooooooops (:

sangkhim p3

heyho dead blog and funny readers =]]

i'm finally back after....
a year!
HAHAHAHAH.
GET IT?

zzzz. nvm.
anyways.
i went to cambodia last week got home today.
it was fun. with a lot of fun, and a lot more of fun.
in short.
FUN =]

hahaha. i sound really high =]]
anyways.
i did learn a lot.
i've decided to commit a lot.
i'm gonna startmugging before school starts.
so unlike me =[
but i'm gonna changeeeeee.
i'm not gonna play comp games anymore!
i hereby declare that
lucas tan ren yi, age 17 as of 7 jan 2009, will stop playing all forms of
addictive computer games.

=]]]
that'lll probably the hardest commitment.
another is consistency.
i will be a person who's the same, in church, in school, in home.
this, this is defitenitely the hardest.

with al my commitments and resolutions in mind,
i hope that year 2009 will be a great year for me, of
growing and maturing. i pray earnestly that my
resolve would keep strong, that i may live appropriately
for God.