outing

haha.
today i went on an outing.
but once again, i've gone into a reflective mode.

what struck this thought was
a phrase i hear quite often, really.
"eh lucas ah, never change one, you"
haha.

anyway.
but i was thinking.

if one changes, what is left?
does he become another person altogether?
does he lose what he was before?
maturity, they call it?
hypocrisy, some name it?

i guess, change is inevitable.
people change, people mature.
but of what reasons?
the need to change oneself.
does that become hypocrisy,
being who you are not?
does that count as being double faced,
where only you know the true you?
who are you, really?
do you know?
are you sure?

questions, questions, questions.
lead to doubts,
lead to self delusion,
lead to... depression?

as far as i am concerned,
i recognize two 'me's.
is that wrong?
in appropriate circumstances,
i seem to switch between the two.
sometimes consciously,
sometimes not.
much as i strive to be who i want to be,
the original pops out.
i mean, that's just 'ME'
should i change?
should i strive for 'maturity'?

the other me,
the more 'mature' me,
whom people have rarely seen,
is one that thinks.
that's a virtue, in my opinion.
he is reserved, observant, thoughtful, concerned.
this person will not spout rubbish.
he is reflective, quiet, encouraging.
but how many people have seen this?

probably a hand full, maybe less.
this is cause, i say with much remorse,
i am an attention seeker (confession, ohmygosh?)
yes, i am.
oh well. it's just in me.
i spout rubbish a lot.
sometimes to be liked,
sometimes to be noticed.
i rarely understand why i do it anyway.
what's the point.

i, personally, don't like the idea of acquaintances.
acquaintances, i can easily say hundreds. maybe a thousand?
but of good (talk-able) friends, 10, 15?
close (confidable) friends 5?
see the difference?

all i ask in life, is maybe 5 good friends,
who can understand me, push me, encourage me.
in my opinion, that is more than enough for everyone.
these 5 good friends, who can go thru flame and hail for you,
through the land and sea to see you, and climb your mountains with
you on their backs.
how often can you find friends like that now?

people in this time and age,
all play a role in the great stage as casts.
when do we actually get off the stage,
and find ourselves.
perhaps the greatest way for anyone to be successful,
is the 'mere' task of self discovery.
that is all, maybe, i need.
self discovery.