and you think i know no pain?

pain? what would they know?
sorrow? how many of them have experienced the half of what i have?
do they reserve any right to speak of it?

would i not understand that feeling?
pain? a pastime
loneliness? a daily struggle
guilt? a constant quicksand
rejection? an eternal fact of life
inferiority? every second of my education
shame? more than anyone could ever imagine
disappointment? beyond belief

pain is no more than a fact of life for me.
and they say i don't understand it.

they think i'm simply who i am at the surface.
they don't know me.

so much, so much you all don't know.
what right have you to speak.

you know not of what i've been through.
expectations, shames, disappointments are all but part of my life.

but i live on,
treasuring the little happiness i can find.
relishing it, cherishing it.

i cling on to what little i have,
and survive.

the time shall come,
when i will be made new.
when my sorrows, hurts and all my pain,
will be taken away, to the lofty heavens,
lost, to be recovered no more.
it is until then, i cling on to the hope of my calling.
it is until then, i await You, my Lord.

pressure

hmm.
and the pressure builds.

the responsibilities pile up.
the burdens hit the skies.

let's do this.







chem test. chinese CT.
FTW.

rjcsb syf'09

ahhh.
and that concludes yet another chapter in my CCA life ><

hahaha.
but today i wrote a lot of things.
okay first.
my phone.
after i heard the results and everything
and we were all outside the room.

some crying, some controlling, some sad.
but for some reason, i was feeling rather strange,
i wrote this:

Amidst the cheers, the cries, the emotions,
i stand, stolid, indifferent.
Regrets of the past serve nothing more than meaningless distractions,
striving to tear apart, to break down all but the strongest.
the past, yes, the past is but what it is: the past.
what can anyone benefit from clinging to what was gone,
to what was but a shadow events past.
for what's gone, i am content.
for what's ahead, i remain anticipative.
as for now, this chapter has closed.


hmm.
strange eh.
then we went for dinner.
and i felt.. weird.
detached, maybe.

i hope noone from band reads this,
but this is wad i wrote:

why do i see myself,
as one apart from the rest.

why can i choose,
to ignore the mindless chatter.

people change, fitting moods,
people change, fitting surroundings.

and all this,
to what end?

To impress, to confide?
to make a friend or something more?

how pride can change people.
envy, jealousy, pride and popularity.
vices and snares threatening to pull us down.

but no.
i stand apart, sanctified.

one will come,
shout fate show mercy.

and till then,
i'd wait, ever so patiently.



ah.
i think i'm lovelorn D:
oh well.
wadeva.

signing off,
LUCAS.

will you ever be mine,
you who stole my heart?

will you ever acknowledge me,
as your admirer, your lover?

will you ever notice me,
one day maybe cherish me?

i fear,
cause my hope is dwindling.

i fear,
cause my heart is confused

i fear,
cause you may never be mine.

did you ever know,
the pain, the envy, when i see you with him.

did you ever decipher,
the 'smiles' i had been forced to give, when you were with him.

it has become a torture,
almost everytime i see you.

all these years,
faithful to one,
and yet,
to no avail?

pain?
who said i didn't know pain?

sorrow?
who said i didn't know sorrow.

all you people there,
taking everyone and everything at face value,
thinking everything can be seen on the surface.

you never know how wrong you can be.
you never know how many 'smiles' you see everyday.

who's real?
who's not?

only He can see the heart.
and only He knows me.