When do we grow up? At which point in our lives do we decide that our childhood is past. At which point do we accept that we need to take control of our own lives and take responsibility for ourselves?
Just yesterday I was tasked by my mother to wash the dishes. Just for context, this happens frequently though not so often. Every time I'm tasked with a chore, I tend to procrastinate for a good bit until some impatience is expressed. The strange thing is, when that happened yesterday, I actually thought about it. "I'm going to procrastinate. I will not be doing anything in between then and now. But I'm just going to sit here. And close my eyes. And bide my time. Why am I doing this? I just need to stand up and walk to the kitchen, following which everything will fall into place." It was such a simple task albeit not one I like. I simply needed to make the decision to do it. There was nothing difficult about it, nothing particularly distasteful.
But this got me thinking. I figured that we "grow up" when we decide that these decisions should no longer have any hesitation. That these "responsibilities", however mundane are part and parcel of life. If I don't do it, then who will? This is probably what every adult talks about when they say kids have it good. That kids are carefree and without worries, that life is simple for them. I used to spite that.
In the past few years, however, I have been thinking about "grown-up" stuff. It's becoming painfully obvious how difficult it is going to be to support myself. It is sobering, firstly, thinking about financial issues. The cost of property and private transport in Singapore is mind-blowing. If, for my first house, I decided to stay in a 4-room flat, that would cost me anywhere between 500k to 700k. Let's say I earn a handsome starting salary of $4000/month. Let's say the house costs 600k. If I were to spend every cent I earned on this, and assuming my salary remains there for 10 years, it would still take me 12 years to pay off the house. This does not cover inflation not the interest involved in taking a loan. If Singapore decides to change our infrastructure, which I believe it soon would, by rights, property prices should drop. The housing bubble should pop and then, investing in houses might no longer be profitable. Where would that leave our generation now? I haven't even got to talking about private transport and general bills. The cost of living in Singapore isn't getting any lighter and our salaries aren't getting much more.
Jesus Christ does clearly say though -
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
(Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)
Am I supposed to only live in the present? How far do we plan for the future? "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." The secular world throws worries at us and advise us to buy securities and stock up for the future. Aren't I supposed to be a wise steward of the resources God has given me and start investing early?
Is this growing up? Is worrying about "grown-up" stuff indicative of one's maturity? I recently wondered also, for a time, if there were successful people around with my personality. I looked at the successful people in my church and they all seem so composed, in control and ready for the future. I just don't get that vibe from me. Is it bad to appear carefree? Is it bad to be taking things lightly most of the time? How far is perpetual jollity useful? Will now making the decision to tarry no more benefit my life? Will it make me more mature?
In the next few months I'm going to have a fair amount of free time and if I do not adopt this mindset early, I'm afraid a lot of it is going to waste. I will not stop playing computer for certain, but a little regulation would be beneficial. I need to redirect my efforts to my side hobbies (trumpet, reading, piano, exercise) and also focus on my studies. I have to get out of the house and stop confining myself to my laptop AND my desktop.
For now, let's look to the immediate future and figure out things.
Cheers to the uncertain future that is mine.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
the train is coming. ready to go?
With the turn of the new year, some of my impressions of what my life would be were severely shaken.
I had been so sure that I was cut out to be a pilot, until I was out in the sky and back. Flying was not all I imagined it to be. Flying in the military added some unnecessary rigours as well which would do nothing to the ideal preconception I once held so dearly to. Don't be mistaken, I was thoroughly amazed and smitten with flying, but so little I knew of the demands of every fighter pilot. So much more was going on than I ever imagined.
After spending a short time with Yu Jay, who, by the way, is so amazing in that he is willing to help anyone interested in studying in Germany. I was duly impressed by the sheer concern and sincerity in what he was doing and his passion for studying in Germany. And again, I was shaken by the resolve he demanded of me. "Do you really want to do this? How much are you willing to sacrifice for this? To what ends would you go to pursue this dream of studying in Germany?" For all the resolve I used to speak with, I fear the heart does not match up to the mind. Why do I even want to study in Germany? The reason seems to lie in nothing more than "why not?". Is it sufficient to see chance as divine direction? Is there even the element of chance, if everything is within an amazing plan. I do believe God has an amazing plan for me. I'm not sure what that is. Neither will I ever be sure except that He wants me to live for him. In everything I do.
There has to come a point in life where drastic changes must be introduced. I feel like I now stand on the crossroads of life. 1 decision would make all the difference in my life. This point, as I consolidate my thoughts, would serve as a marker, a milestone, of what my life could turn out to be. I always imagined the future "me" to be someone successful and happy. I always imagined I could take life one step at a time, without worrying too much for the future. Maybe that carefree attitude is what is bogging me down. I said it was a childhood dream to fly - I did not actively pursue it. I told everyone I wanted to study in Germany - I did not fervently pursue it. And now, there are so many things, so many factors that I have to consider because I did not look beyond the "now" of things. I did not consider the bigger picture and work towards a singular goal.
If all goes well, TU Darmstadt and KIT would allow me to send in my TestDaF credentials before matriculation. Even now, I await an email from KIT that would indicate the abovementioned condition. If that comes through - I will now have a short term goal and a long term goal. I will consciously and wholeheartedly pursue these two if they are the conditions with which I am gonna work with.
1. TestDaF on 18 Apr or 11 June
2. Studying Engineering for at least 3.5 years and getting excited about it.
I am going to have to now make a commitment - to getting my life right with God and with studying German full-time. I have to dedicate my time and effort - first to God and then to this new dream I'm choosing.
the train approaches, here we go.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
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