the train is coming. ready to go?

With the turn of the new year, some of my impressions of what my life would be were severely shaken.

I had been so sure that I was cut out to be a pilot, until I was out in the sky and back. Flying was not all I imagined it to be. Flying in the military added some unnecessary rigours as well which would do nothing to the ideal preconception I once held so dearly to. Don't be mistaken, I was thoroughly amazed and smitten with flying, but so little I knew of the demands of every fighter pilot. So much more was going on than I ever imagined.

After spending a short time with Yu Jay, who, by the way, is so amazing in that he is willing to help anyone interested in studying in Germany. I was duly impressed by the sheer concern and sincerity in what he was doing and his passion for studying in Germany. And again, I was shaken by the resolve he demanded of me. "Do you really want to do this? How much are you willing to sacrifice for this? To what ends would you go to pursue this dream of studying in Germany?" For all the resolve I used to speak with, I fear the heart does not match up to the mind. Why do I even want to study in Germany? The reason seems to lie in nothing more than "why not?". Is it sufficient to see chance as divine direction? Is there even the element of chance, if everything is within an amazing plan. I do believe God has an amazing plan for me. I'm not sure what that is. Neither will I ever be sure except that He wants me to live for him. In everything I do. 

There has to come a point in life where drastic changes must be introduced. I feel like I now stand on the crossroads of life. 1 decision would make all the difference in my life. This point, as I consolidate my thoughts, would serve as a marker, a milestone, of what my life could turn out to be. I always imagined the future "me" to be someone successful and happy. I always imagined I could take life one step at a time, without worrying too much for the future. Maybe that carefree attitude is what is bogging me down. I said it was a childhood dream to fly - I did not actively pursue it. I told everyone I wanted to study in Germany - I did not fervently pursue it. And now, there are so many things, so many factors that I have to consider because I did not look beyond the "now" of things. I did not consider the bigger picture and work towards a singular goal. 

If all goes well, TU Darmstadt and KIT would allow me to send in my TestDaF credentials before matriculation. Even now, I await an email from KIT that would indicate the abovementioned condition. If that comes through - I will now have a short term goal and a long term goal. I will consciously and wholeheartedly pursue these two if they are the conditions with which I am gonna work with. 

1. TestDaF on 18 Apr or 11 June

2. Studying Engineering for at least 3.5 years and getting excited about it.

I am going to have to now make a commitment - to getting my life right with God and with studying German full-time. I have to dedicate my time and effort - first to God and then to this new dream I'm choosing. 

the train approaches, here we go.