weiqi, i'm sorry.

to one who will never read this,
i apologise.

to that same one,
i am sorry, i truly am.

many times i have ridiculed, even mocked,
the childishness of the people i knew.
many times i have laughed off,
the oblivion i thought people suffered from.

but i am no different.

time after time,
i resent their childishness,
but i still act as one of them.
time after time,
i despise their comments,
but i still make them.
time after time,
i think myself mature,
but i am no different.

i finally am at the threshold of maturity.
and i understand, at least, this much.

one able to consider his maturity,
should already be a mature person,
for one immature would never admit.

yet, people reckon me childish, ignorant.
the last to describe me being mature.
of that, i was resentful, defiant.

but i now know why.

it is not two finite definitions, classifications, perhaps,
that define people's maturity.
there is yet an intermediate.
'non-maturity' as i'd call it.

yes, non-maturity is what i am at.
it is the stage whereby,
one knows and differs being childish,
yet, doesn't change.

what defines, or what others would be able to view as maturity,
is when a person is able to MAKE the choice to be mature.

everything has a reaction.
ironically, action-reaction, action-reaction.

without action, can there be reaction?
without making the choice, will the change be seen?

to weiqi,
i'm sorry.
i know i'm wrong.
i acknowledge my faults and won't make any excuses.
i have hurt you and for that, i regret.
i wish i could make amends.
and somehow, i know this has and will become a big obstacle between us.
i miss the times we talked, long ago.
we have distanced, to my greatest regret.
and i am sorry for hurting you.

but above all,
thank you, thank you so very much,
for letting me realize what ihave.

who am i?

i dunno how many times i've considered this.
who am i.
but today.
it's a different perspective.

i realize i am very self conscious.
i am very concerned about what people consider me to be.
the responses i get sometimes disappoint me.
but then again, that's how i portray myself to be.
possible? probable.

i am saddened, sometimes.
of me, they describe,
a gleeful retard,
of inconsequential intelligence.
a shallow being,
of little spatial awareness.

am i really?
am i who i portray myself to be?

why then?
why the actions i make?

to seek attention,
to make people notice me.
to obtain recognition,
to make people like me.

the result?
a self conceited looking person,
who diss people more than entertain them.

why can't i be a quiet mysterious person,
instead of a person of many masks.

why must i be who i'm not?
but that depends on who i am,
whether alone, or with companions.

to be in a group,
to be in solitude,
why am i different?

there must exist some reason,
some possible notion in the back of the head,
for why i play the fool,
for why i survive on attention.

this has to stop.
i want to change.
i don't want to be the noisy retard.
i want to be the model,
i want to be the one people look up to,
i want to be, who i am not?

sometimes i wish i had a friend who truly knew me.
who could read me as easily as i read most people.
someone who could put my masks aside,
and see me for i truly am.

till then, i stand alone.
with Christ my Saviour, to pull me through.

change me,
mould me,
i pray.
take me,
and me yours.
this i pray.

revive!

hais..
this is a weak attempt to revive my blog.

ahh
i'm just feeling really tired right now.

i'm tired, i'm worn.
tomorrow's math test.
i dun feel like studying.

mom's shouting around the house.
i don't feel like concentrating.
i feel like sleeping.

i'm confused over so many things
hopeful, though it's too unlikely.

envious, jealous, maybe.
but too confused to decide.

i dunno why but life's losing direction.
i don't see myself doing well in anything.
i don't see myself becoming who i wanna be.
i don't see myself doing what i should even be doing.
i'm starting to worry about the future
i'm starting to worry about my life.
i'm starting to worry about my relationship with God.

"let tomorrow worry for itself",perhaps.
but i dunno.
i'm so tired now.
band band band band band.

not that that's making me tired.
that's something to look forward to, infact, everyday.
lesson's are going crzy.
i'm two tutorials behind for math.
i barely understand the thrid topic of chem and we're on the fifth.
german's freaking me out.
GP's far less than wad i want.
Physics, nothing much to say.
really boring lessons.
REALLY MISS MY SECSCHOOL PHYSICS TEACHER!!

argh.
band band band. :D

at least something that can make me smile.
i really feel like sleeping now.

just staring around,
i feel the dryness in my eyes.
never thought it took so much effort to simply look around =[
i'm stoning as i ponder what else to say.

ahh.
boy, i'm tired.
tired of hoping.
tired of waiting.
tired of knowing naught.

i wish i were smarter.
i wish i were more talented.
i wish i had a flair for more things
i wish.. for so much more than i can ever have.

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
i must get back to God.
i've been drifting further and further.
and still doing nothing about it.

church is becoming routine.
i can no longer keep focussed.
somethingneeds to be done about my life.

I NEED A CHANGE.
a change of routine.
a change of heart
a change of attitude
a change of priorities.

someone, help me.

Dear Lord I pray,
that you visit me today.
to take my pain,
and throw it far away.
remind me of how great You are.
show me Your strength, Your love, Your power.
bring me close to you.
that my love for you may ever be true.
hold me tight,
in the light,
and never me out of your loving embrace.
i want to commit everything to you.
teach me to let go, and trust in You.
for You, Lord, and You only,
can make me new.




-reflections of a mortal-
lucas, signing off.