nothing's changed

“Nothing’s changed, you’re still the same”. I used to detest the phrase. After having gone through so much, having done so much, all it took was one single comment, to make you feel like no progress had been made. It used to make me feel like the said person was spiting me for having made progress, for having learnt nothing.

Things change. They always do. The circumstances we are bound by keep pushing us forward. As much as we want to, we never can freeze time and live in the moment. The daunting future that plagues every one of us keeps us on the move. Many of us strive for more because that seems like the right thing to do. After all, everyone is doing it. If I don’t, I lose out. If I don’t get ahead, I’ll be left behind in the dust. And so we trudge on, achievement after achievement, grasping after what could be had if more effort is put in. As such, the people around us change with the environment. What happens to those relationships then? What happens to those sweet moments spent together when, for a moment, it seemed like there was no better person(s) to be with, that there was no moment more special than the present?

I’ve changed, for sure. Too many things have happened, too many decisions made, too many moments passed, to not have effected any change in me. And yet, every time we come together, we reminisce about old times. We reminisce about ventures of our years past, about crazy moments spent together. We embrace the past and always wish we could turn back the clock.

Then it occured to me. We desire to catch up with old friends because we want to turn back the clock. We want to throw away all the bad stuff in between then and now, and live as though nothing’s changed. We want to recreate the past and the feelings it came with, and pretend, that things are the same as they were years back. We revive the person they knew and recreate the mask we once wore despite all the cracks it has. We hold on desperately to these memories because they serve as anchors to who we once were. They mark our passage through life and help us remember how much we’ve grown.

We all wear masks. We change them and store the old ones for memory’s sake. When the need arises, we put them back on and steal a moment back in time. Then we put on the present and contiue living life, remembering how the people we knew created a “me” that’s that much more special. After all, what are we, but a mask of many layers?

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players

of disappointments and regrets

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Today, on the 4th of March, I received my A levels results. By the title, obviously, i did not do well. In fact, I did far below expectations. I keep telling myself that I will have no regrets. But is that really true? I kept telling myself that even if I relived this portion of my life, I would not have changed nay part of it.  Even then, doubts rush in, whether I should even have taken 4 H2s or not, whether choosing German was the right thing to do. I was so convinced God had a plan for me considering that I took German all the way until j2. Unfortunately, my results were bad. I never expected to have 2C's in my report card, which was actually the reason why I retook Chinese in the first place.

All through my mind now, questions keep popping out. Why? Where did I go terribly wrong? I did put in effort, but was it enough? Could I have done better? All these questions I don't want to answer. In fact, I believe I don’t have to answer. What’s done is done, and little encouragement will actually get me moving on. I know I am strong, I don’t need people to me it’s alright, it’s ok, it’ll be fine. When people tell me these things, it makes me feel worse cause, I know that’s what I would be saying to someone else if they hadn’t done well either. With all the success stories around me, as well as the mighty name of raffles behind my back, I’m not sure I can face people around me. All the expectations, all the hopes, all the dreams dashed in a few moments. All that tension and anticipation before the results collection simply turned into disappointment and sadness.

Right now, I don’t know what my options are; I don’t know what I can do in the future. As always, I believe that if you do anything long enough, you’ll get somewhere. But that’s far too idealist for the world we live in now. In today’s devotion, the provided verse was “my grace is sufficient for thee”. I really do hope that God can do something about my life, that I’ll still be a useful vessel to him. I always thought my future was dreamy and perfect, that somehow everything would work out, as long as I put in a little effort.  Today, this world view of mine was tested. Is tested, in fact.

I always thought of myself as special. As someone one cut above the rest. After all, i was from RAFFLES. Big deal huh, isn’t it. I spite that now. Maybe it was complacency that took me. Maybe it was thinking that i was better than everyone else which cost  me. Pride. Disgusting. What am i now? Average? Below average? All the initial expectations of getting a scholarship, of studying in a good university suddenly become so lacklustre. I’m not even sure if i even can qualify for universities.

Whatever happens now, i can only hope for the best. I need to pick myself up, i need to become stronger. I need more resilience, i need more strength. I can only find that if i depend on God. “though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.” – Psalm 37:24. This verse will stick in my mind, since  field camp. The LORD will not forsake me, the LORD will not forsake me. I have completed but 19 years of my life. The next ¾ or so of my life is still undecided. I must make the most of it.

To end off, maybe some song lyrics:

Feeling broken, barely holding on.

But there’s just something so strong

Somewhere inside me

And I am down but I’ll get up again.

Don’t count me out just yet.

There will be no fade out
This is not the end, I'm down now
But i'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees

And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it, I’ll be back

This is far from over

You haven’t seen the last of me.