Day 102 - 2014.

Day 102 – 311213

On the bus from Prague back to Karlsruhe

2014.

At the end of every year, most people start to reflect about the past year: things accomplished, friendships – new or old, high points, low points. We mark a year with a beginning and an end, charting out points along the way where something significant had happened.

This time, counting down the new year no longer feels like a huge transit. Formerly, it marked the new school year. New teachers, new classmates, new possibilities. It marks the start of another cycle, the beginning of the academic droll. Maybe this is why this new year feels so unremarkable. The new year begins with a short week of holidays still, and when that is over, the semester resumes. It doesn't begin anew, it does not start afresh. It resumes.

I think it is in these moments of reflection, when one mulls upon the fact that some significant event is spent away from home, that home is brought to mind. I've probably missed only 2 watchnight services – the first time during the Sangkhim painting project and the second while enroute to Australia for AGC. On that note, the last two birthdays were spent overseas as well, and my coming birthday will also be likewise. In 2012 I was powdered and sprayed with deodorant in my own room in OCS 1 week before commissioning. In 2012 I spent my birthday worrying about my next sortie the coming week while our instructor and my AGC coursemates surprised me with a cheesecake (from The Cheesecake Factory) and a massive card. While they made my birthdays quite memorable, it didn't change the fact that I was away from home and away from old friends.

This year, I will be counting down to the new year with a new bunch of friends and will probably celebrate my birthday by treating myself to something nice just before school starts on my birthday. This is probably part and parcel of living overseas. The loneliness that comes from knowing that the friends I grew up with are now moving on with life, leaving me behind, as I also leave them in pursuit of a different life. Much as it hurts, it is a sacrifice I chose to make when I resolved to study overseas.

My first 3 months have shown me that I can take care of myself. They have shown me many more things about myself and about my beliefs that I had not known before. They have taught me to be more open, to be more sensitive, to be less judging. They have taught me humility and shame, courage and firmness. I am therefore so thankful for everything that has happened to allow me to study here in Germany.

I am thankful to God for showing me that the life of a fighter pilot was not for me. I thank God for providing parents who invested so much more than just money to bring me up. I thank God for a family that cares and thinks of me, even from miles and miles. I thank God letting me pass TestDaF and eventually being enrolled in KIT. I thank God for the friends that I found in KIT, with whom I attend every lecture with. I thank God for the resources he provided me with, so that I can live comfortably and without much worry. I thank God because He is good and deserves all the glory.

To the new year, I will press on. Maybe I should stop believing in resolutions, since they are so quickly forgotten. Maybe I should be making commitments and plans instead of a list of things I never saw through. If there is one thing I wanna keep to in this coming year, it would be reading my Bible regularly again. This is something I've been failing to do for a long time running now. So for 2014, keep it simple. Think of one thing and stick to it.

  

day 67 - it's magical!

day 67 – 261113

At the train station after training

pretty sparkles * 

Day 67. It's been 40 days since the last entry, and I keep hearing Eric saying, "I regret not having had a journal when I first came." I would understand how it kinda loses its novelty if I were in my 5th Semester. 

Time really passes quickly when you're having fun you've fallen into a routine that more or less runs itself. It's hard to imagine how it's already been 40 days since the last post. And since then I'm still having firsts over the course of the past few weeks. Things here have been getting hectic but I truly am thankful for the few friends I found (with whom I attend every lecture/tutorial/workshop). With respects to schoolwork, the past few weeks were relatively manageable due to the nature of the coursework - which was primarily the building blocks of Engineering in general. Thankfully, some of it was covered in school and it was more of an additional layer on top of what I already knew. For math I always feel like I'm on the edge of understanding but never reach it. Sequences and convergence still irks me as I don't completely understand what I'm supposed to do. This week functions started (which I thought I had enough fundamental knowledge to build upon) and it's hard to manage.

What inspired/motivated this post, however, was the weather. Sounds pretty mundane, but this is my first full/long/genuine winter I'm experiencing and it's nice to see the whole process. When I arrived in September some of the trees were showing hints of orange. As time passed, they turned orange/red/gold and eventually some of the trees simply turned bare. It was yesterday that it started snowing and I ran out of the house, spread my arms and simply took it in. It was beautiful. Today, during training (I joined Lacrosse, a "CCA" in my university cause I needed some outlet for exercise) I noticed how everything on the field was sparkling (ew twilight) shimmering. The floodlights which shone upon the field lit up the tiny crystals forming on the grass and the flora around the area. When picking up the balls along the edges of the field I also noticed how the plants and their leaves glittering like jewellery. 

I'm really excited that winter is soon upon us. At the same time though, I feel a bit worried about how cold it could get and how much it'd affect daily life. Travelling to school would be probably a pain. Which is why I am considering moving now. Travelling 40mins to school in the winter chill would not be a fantastic idea. Anyhow it's probably too late to move. Moving during winter would also be crazy. 

Photo of the day

Finally, a photo of the day I'm posting that's my own.

Day 9 - Friendly Strangers.

Day 9 – 290913

Free Wifi Zone of AO Hostel

Day 9 and still no apartment. But that's not what today's entry is about. In the past few days I have come to a certain realisation. That while I have been telling everyone that I'm generally carefree, and that “everything will work out in the end”, I realised that I have been actually complacent. I had been taking God's will for granted. I had been taking His plans for granted. I always assumed that God will take care of me and hence had little worries, without making any real conscious effort to listen to and follow God's will. These few days I have been praying more and asking God for help.

One of my friends told me that this uncertainty is part and parcel of life overseas. It's this gripping feeling of uncertainty, that tomorrow I might not have a place to stay; or that tomorrow I might not be able to sleep in a room; or that I might be completely lost in an area with no help. This inability to find a place to stay in, strangely, has not really seriously worried me over the past few days. Yes, it's frustrating. Yes, it's tiring. But ultimately, I think things will work out somehow. I'm not completely sure why I am so confident, but I am.

Today was most interesting because of the kindness extended by complete strangers. In the morning, I formally introduced myself to the church that I attended last Sunday. I went early and handed them my commendation letter. This made all the difference as I was introduced to the assembly as well, and many of them came forward to welcome me and ask me a few questions about myself. It was fairly interesting and when I mentioned my difficulty in looking for an apartment, they all readily accepted and promised that they would ask around for anyone with a spare room. Unfortunately, I couldn't really understand the sermon as I still am unable to understand enough of what is said. Nevertheless, the singing of hymns and prayer still feels a bit like home. I had a nice lunch of Carbonara at Pizzeria Centrale at Sophienstraße before cycling back to the Hostel.

After church, I went to see a room at Am Künstlerhaus 21. When I arrived, there was one other guy (whom I had met a few days before at another apartment) there. When we went up to see the house, there were another 2 who had come to see the place. Quite promptly, both of them did not want to rent the place. Admittedly, it wasn't very clean, and the smell of weed was kinda strong. But it was a big room, and really quite close to the university. I readily said that I would want to rent the room and he, too, wanted to rent it out to me. It wasn't until I left the place and checked out the place around that I found a huge problem: the place was right next to a red light district, where there were a number of brothels. Well. I did not really expect that. So, right now, I have a serious dilemma. The pros and cons are pretty clear. Pros: big place, near to university. Cons: Shady area, Price. I'm still undecided, though I'd take it as a last resort. Again, this is with the dubious assumption that he would probably rent it out to me.

In the evening, I went out again in search of another apartment in the Hagsfeld area, northeast of Karlsruhe. After reaching there, I realised that I did not have the house number and had no way of contacting the tenant except via email. I decided, instead, to ask around for help. There was a father-son pair who were cycling around, presumably home. I asked them if they knew of any nearby WGs that had a spare room. What I did not expect, however, was the extent to which they were willing to go to help me. They went around knocking on the doors of those they believed to be WGs. When unsuccessful, we went further down to check out another place. We found a group of young people who were having a BBQ. When asked if they were a WG (which they weren't), they offered to ask around if their friends had free rooms. Long story short, I left my number with them and they promised to call if anything cropped up. I was genuinely touched by how unbelievably helpful they were.

So far, I'd say that my stay in Germany has not been what I expected, both in a good way and bad. I never realised how difficult it would be to find a place here, or how bad the housing situation here was. I really should have taken Vincent's offer a month back, when he had a friend with a room to rent. Still, I have come into contact with Singaporeans here I haven't even met perseonally who are willing to ask around for me. Jared said he would ask a taiwanese friend for me, if I could rent one of their rooms. The experience here has also been good, in that I've come to know a few Chinese friends, as well as find out what I am like in a foreign country with a group of foreign people who speak a foreign language. The conclusion: really quiet unless approached. Naturally I would like to be sociable, but when you're given a handicap as massive as a language, it's really hard to be yourself.

Still, it's only been 9 days. Here's to many more years.

Day 4 - The Dastardly Search.

Day 4, and the sickening search for an apartment goes on. It's only been 4 days but I already feel so fatigued by the constant everyday droll of searching through pages and pages of advertisements looking, not even for anything to my tastes, but anything at all. Initially I had been picky and applied only to those that strictly fit my criteria, but now I am just about willing to take anything less than 45 mins away, and costing less than 350 Euros a month (up from 300). The past few days have been spent on this incessant and seemingly fruitless search for apartments so rare the entire hostel is unable to find any. Had I know how difficult it would be, I would have immediately taken up Vincent's offer.

Why it is sickening, you may ask? Well, without a contract, you cannot: get your Bank unlocked (the service staff was nice enough to help me unlock and state the temporary address as the hostel I'm staying in), get your insurance confirmed, register at the Bürgerbüro (Citizen office), lengthen your Visa, get your place in the Uni completely confirmed, purchase your semester ticket etc. The list goes on. Besides all these official stuff, however, I also cannot settle down properly and put my stuff down for real. I cannot buy groceries per se as I can only buy for the day's needs. I can never be sure that my belongings are entirely secure and thus I lug my laptop everywhere. My meals have largely been bread and fast food, and I cooked my first pack of maggi mee just now. It is surprising that I started on my maggimee a mere 4 days into my journey overseas.

The search aside, it's been really interesting mixing with the crowd here. I find myself spending my time primarily with the Chinese here from China, who are also looking for a place to stay in. They are very friendly and seem genuinely interested in me, despite the difficulty in communicating (my horrid command of chinese). We had a meal in a Chinese restaurant (Yang Da) yesterday which was surprising worth the money I paid and did not taste bad.

As for today, the morning was spent getting my Immatrikulation done. Despite being half an hour early, I found myself both dismayed and amused. Dismayed because there were already 10 people ahead of me, and amused because 7 of them were Asians. As I have always remarked, stereotypes exist because of a significant portion of the population acting so. Unfortunately, when it finally came to my turn, the lady informed me that my insurance might not be valid (which it was, but not ideal) and that I could not pay the semester fees with cash. Thus, I made my way to DB and got the payment and subsequently, the proof thereof. With that, I rushed back to the International Students' Office and got my (conditional) Immatrikulation done.

I'm glad that Yujay linked me up with Vincent, who has been rather helpful in giving me tips for settling down and getting around. I'm glad for Denise as well, who gave me some key tips on getting an apartment in a place suffering a lack thereof. Daniel (bona) also linked me up with a guy studying music here – a certain Jared, who has so graciously offered to ask around his friends for a place on my behalf.

Right now, I'm just waiting for replies and my 4 appointments tomorrow. The first being a test ride on a bicycle, the second being an appointment for apartment viewing, and the last 2 being Open House(s). Hopefully, something will happen tomorrow. Until then, I'm homeless.

Maybe this is part and parcel of studying overseas. This uncertainty and uneasiness about the near future. I find, at this point, that I'm really not a person who is self-driven. It takes so much effort to push myself to continue searching for an apartment. Much of my time is spent simply waiting for some good fortune to hit me, which, I now realise, is really not how it works. Getting things to happen requires active effort and an extra step, which your competitors had not made. That said, it suddenly feels like I'm getting caught up in the competition, which is also not what I came to Germany for.

Still, much about the next month, what more the next year, is far beyond me. I have absolutely no idea what the immediate future holds for me. Current step, next step. Current step, next step. 

Day 0 - Farewell, Friends.

And so it begins. My journey of 3 and a half years begins with this journal entry. I sit now in my business class seat penning down what the past few days have been like for me. Beginning at the airport, we arrived and had dinner at the airport with See Leng's family. We ate at Crystal Jade, which was not fantastic and hardly memorable. A good number of people had come to see Linus and See Leng (and I assume, unabashedly, me) off. Ma Ma was there as well, with Aunty Janice and Aunty Siew Hoon. She gave me an Angbao with well wishes for my studies abroad. Aunty Dora gave me an angbao as well (which I, as of now, have not opened). After Linus left, the bulk of the crowd had left after also wishing me well.

The bandies came a little later and waited for me to get my check-in done. They later passed me the card they wrote for me. One of the quotes written on it was this, “My best times have gone, from laughter to memories; My best friends have gone, from friends to family.” -Unknown. The past 2 years have really brought the bandies together as we made time for each other. I read in an article online (I didn't love my wife when I married her) that love was nurtured in its willingness to give, and this was the kind of love we shared. Surprisingly, the note that left the deepest impression was from Sam. I quote, “People say that those closest to you are the hardest to say goodbye to. Perhaps that's why I'm not saying anything.” Well, the bandies left shortly after in their pursuit of McDonald's while the family and church friends went to Ya Kun. Naturally, I had eggs and toast with a cup of iced Milo. We all finally met at the departure gate where Izumi arrived panting. He had rushed from his place in Jurong to the airport. When I commented that it was way too far for him to see me off, his reply really touched me, “It's ok, you're worth it.” I then said my goodbyes and took some pictures with the churchies and proceeded to hug the bandies and say goodbye as well. I took my leave (bumping into some acquaintances from school who were seeing Kieran Ong off) and went past customs. Waving goodbye repeatedly, I finally strode off in my pursuit of the unknown.

The first thing that hit me was how I walked alone – without friends, without family, without company. There was some comfort in the observation that many around me were walking alone as well. I used to think that travel was not much of a solo affair but maybe I was wrong.

I guess I'm finally “past the point of no return.” No backward glances (had to quote PotO). From here on, I have to make good what I told everyone before. “Cannot also must can.” For the moment, that shall be my motto to get me through the first semester. A life away from Singapore and more importantly English is not going to be easy for me. Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” The past study on James has taught me a lot and it tells me about God's will. Today's preparation told me that God's will is always perfect. I cannot predict what life will be like for me in 1 month, what more a year. God alone knows what will happen and I can only trust His hand to guide me.

Maybe this is a time of spiritual rejuvenation for me. God will guide me through as an alien in a foreign land. 

rest well, yeye. see you again.

and so he passes...

what we've been expecting for weeks now has finally come. my grandfather has passed on, and is now in a better place. I was strangely unfeeling, as I watched his now-lifeless body on the bed. It wasn't until I tried to piece my last words to him that I teared up. "yeye, rest well." Finally he's done with all the medication, all the pain, all the discomfort and inconvenience. Finally, he rests.

though I can't say I knew him well, nor loved him as a grandson should, these past few months staying with him allowed me to spend much more time with him. In this time I did manage to interact much more with him and show him the love I should have showed when he was healthy. Cradling his head, holding his hand, these experiences are firmly etched in my memory.

cherish your loved ones while they still live

樹欲靜而風不止 子欲養而親不待

nothing's changed

“Nothing’s changed, you’re still the same”. I used to detest the phrase. After having gone through so much, having done so much, all it took was one single comment, to make you feel like no progress had been made. It used to make me feel like the said person was spiting me for having made progress, for having learnt nothing.

Things change. They always do. The circumstances we are bound by keep pushing us forward. As much as we want to, we never can freeze time and live in the moment. The daunting future that plagues every one of us keeps us on the move. Many of us strive for more because that seems like the right thing to do. After all, everyone is doing it. If I don’t, I lose out. If I don’t get ahead, I’ll be left behind in the dust. And so we trudge on, achievement after achievement, grasping after what could be had if more effort is put in. As such, the people around us change with the environment. What happens to those relationships then? What happens to those sweet moments spent together when, for a moment, it seemed like there was no better person(s) to be with, that there was no moment more special than the present?

I’ve changed, for sure. Too many things have happened, too many decisions made, too many moments passed, to not have effected any change in me. And yet, every time we come together, we reminisce about old times. We reminisce about ventures of our years past, about crazy moments spent together. We embrace the past and always wish we could turn back the clock.

Then it occured to me. We desire to catch up with old friends because we want to turn back the clock. We want to throw away all the bad stuff in between then and now, and live as though nothing’s changed. We want to recreate the past and the feelings it came with, and pretend, that things are the same as they were years back. We revive the person they knew and recreate the mask we once wore despite all the cracks it has. We hold on desperately to these memories because they serve as anchors to who we once were. They mark our passage through life and help us remember how much we’ve grown.

We all wear masks. We change them and store the old ones for memory’s sake. When the need arises, we put them back on and steal a moment back in time. Then we put on the present and contiue living life, remembering how the people we knew created a “me” that’s that much more special. After all, what are we, but a mask of many layers?

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players

Have Thine own way, Lord.

Have Thine own way, Lord,
Have Thine own way;

Thou art the Potter,
I am the clay.
Mould me and make me
After Thy will,
While I am waiting,
Yielded and still.

Search me and try me,
Master, today.
Whiter than snow, Lord,
Wash me just now,
As in thy presence
Humbly I bow.

Wounded and weary,
Help me, I pray.
Power, all power,
Surely is thine;
Touch me and heal me,
Saviour Divine.

Hold o'er my being
Absolute sway.
Fill with Thy Spirit
Till all shall see
Christ only, always,
Living in me.

Accept the praise we bring

Jesus, our Saviour, Shepherd, Friend,
Prophet, and Priest, and King;
Our Lord, our Life, our Way, our End,
Accept the praise we bring.

The Wondrous Cross

See, from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

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Two wonders I confess

Upon the cross of Jesus,
Mine eyes at times can see
The very dying form of One
Who suffered there for me;
And from my smitten heart with tears
Two wonders I confess,
The wonder of His glorious love,
And my own worthlessness.

understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

Growing Up

When do we grow up? At which point in our lives do we decide that our childhood is past. At which point do we accept that we need to take control of our own lives and take responsibility for ourselves?

Just yesterday I was tasked by my mother to wash the dishes. Just for context, this happens frequently though not so often. Every time I'm tasked with a chore, I tend to procrastinate for a good bit until some impatience is expressed. The strange thing is, when that happened yesterday, I actually thought about it. "I'm going to procrastinate. I will not be doing anything in between then and now. But I'm just going to sit here. And close my eyes. And bide my time. Why am I doing this? I just need to stand up and walk to the kitchen, following which everything will fall into place." It was such a simple task albeit not one I like. I simply needed to make the decision to do it. There was nothing difficult about it, nothing particularly distasteful. 

But this got me thinking. I figured that we "grow up" when we decide that these decisions should no longer have any hesitation. That these "responsibilities", however mundane are part and parcel of life. If I don't do it, then who will? This is probably what every adult talks about when they say kids have it good. That kids are carefree and without worries, that life is simple for them. I used to spite that. 

In the past few years, however, I have been thinking about "grown-up" stuff. It's becoming painfully obvious how difficult it is going to be to support myself. It is sobering, firstly, thinking about financial issues. The cost of property and private transport in Singapore is mind-blowing. If, for my first house, I decided to stay in a 4-room flat, that would cost me anywhere between 500k to 700k. Let's say I earn a handsome starting salary of $4000/month. Let's say the house costs 600k. If I were to spend every cent I earned on this, and assuming my salary remains there for 10 years, it would still take me 12 years to pay off the house. This does not cover inflation not the interest involved in taking a loan. If Singapore decides to change our infrastructure, which I believe it soon would, by rights, property prices should drop. The housing bubble should pop and then, investing in houses might no longer be profitable. Where would that leave our generation now? I haven't even got to talking about private transport and general bills. The cost of living in Singapore isn't getting any lighter and our salaries aren't getting much more. 

Jesus Christ does clearly say though -

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

(Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)



Am I supposed to only live in the present? How far do we plan for the future? "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." The secular world throws worries at us and advise us to buy securities and stock up for the future. Aren't I supposed to be a wise steward of the resources God has given me and start investing early? 

Is this growing up? Is worrying about "grown-up" stuff indicative of one's maturity? I recently wondered also, for a time, if there were successful people around with my personality. I looked at the successful people in my church and they all seem so composed, in control and ready for the future. I just don't get that vibe from me. Is it bad to appear carefree? Is it bad to be taking things lightly most of the time? How far is perpetual jollity useful? Will now making the decision to tarry no more benefit my life? Will it make me more mature?

In the next few months I'm going to have a fair amount of free time and if I do not adopt this mindset early, I'm afraid a lot of it is going to waste. I will not stop playing computer for certain, but a little regulation would be beneficial. I need to redirect my efforts to my side hobbies (trumpet, reading, piano, exercise) and also focus on my studies. I have to get out of the house and stop confining myself to my laptop AND my desktop.

For now, let's look to the immediate future and figure out things. 
Cheers to the uncertain future that is mine. 

the train is coming. ready to go?

With the turn of the new year, some of my impressions of what my life would be were severely shaken.

I had been so sure that I was cut out to be a pilot, until I was out in the sky and back. Flying was not all I imagined it to be. Flying in the military added some unnecessary rigours as well which would do nothing to the ideal preconception I once held so dearly to. Don't be mistaken, I was thoroughly amazed and smitten with flying, but so little I knew of the demands of every fighter pilot. So much more was going on than I ever imagined.

After spending a short time with Yu Jay, who, by the way, is so amazing in that he is willing to help anyone interested in studying in Germany. I was duly impressed by the sheer concern and sincerity in what he was doing and his passion for studying in Germany. And again, I was shaken by the resolve he demanded of me. "Do you really want to do this? How much are you willing to sacrifice for this? To what ends would you go to pursue this dream of studying in Germany?" For all the resolve I used to speak with, I fear the heart does not match up to the mind. Why do I even want to study in Germany? The reason seems to lie in nothing more than "why not?". Is it sufficient to see chance as divine direction? Is there even the element of chance, if everything is within an amazing plan. I do believe God has an amazing plan for me. I'm not sure what that is. Neither will I ever be sure except that He wants me to live for him. In everything I do. 

There has to come a point in life where drastic changes must be introduced. I feel like I now stand on the crossroads of life. 1 decision would make all the difference in my life. This point, as I consolidate my thoughts, would serve as a marker, a milestone, of what my life could turn out to be. I always imagined the future "me" to be someone successful and happy. I always imagined I could take life one step at a time, without worrying too much for the future. Maybe that carefree attitude is what is bogging me down. I said it was a childhood dream to fly - I did not actively pursue it. I told everyone I wanted to study in Germany - I did not fervently pursue it. And now, there are so many things, so many factors that I have to consider because I did not look beyond the "now" of things. I did not consider the bigger picture and work towards a singular goal. 

If all goes well, TU Darmstadt and KIT would allow me to send in my TestDaF credentials before matriculation. Even now, I await an email from KIT that would indicate the abovementioned condition. If that comes through - I will now have a short term goal and a long term goal. I will consciously and wholeheartedly pursue these two if they are the conditions with which I am gonna work with. 

1. TestDaF on 18 Apr or 11 June

2. Studying Engineering for at least 3.5 years and getting excited about it.

I am going to have to now make a commitment - to getting my life right with God and with studying German full-time. I have to dedicate my time and effort - first to God and then to this new dream I'm choosing. 

the train approaches, here we go.

Photo: Parked by Liban Yusuf

love the colours

taken from 500px.com