who am i?

i dunno how many times i've considered this.
who am i.
but today.
it's a different perspective.

i realize i am very self conscious.
i am very concerned about what people consider me to be.
the responses i get sometimes disappoint me.
but then again, that's how i portray myself to be.
possible? probable.

i am saddened, sometimes.
of me, they describe,
a gleeful retard,
of inconsequential intelligence.
a shallow being,
of little spatial awareness.

am i really?
am i who i portray myself to be?

why then?
why the actions i make?

to seek attention,
to make people notice me.
to obtain recognition,
to make people like me.

the result?
a self conceited looking person,
who diss people more than entertain them.

why can't i be a quiet mysterious person,
instead of a person of many masks.

why must i be who i'm not?
but that depends on who i am,
whether alone, or with companions.

to be in a group,
to be in solitude,
why am i different?

there must exist some reason,
some possible notion in the back of the head,
for why i play the fool,
for why i survive on attention.

this has to stop.
i want to change.
i don't want to be the noisy retard.
i want to be the model,
i want to be the one people look up to,
i want to be, who i am not?

sometimes i wish i had a friend who truly knew me.
who could read me as easily as i read most people.
someone who could put my masks aside,
and see me for i truly am.

till then, i stand alone.
with Christ my Saviour, to pull me through.

change me,
mould me,
i pray.
take me,
and me yours.
this i pray.