but this warrants my time, warrants my effort.
just today. an old acquaintance of mine passed away.
yes. he passed away. even now, it feels so surreal, so misty a scene.
'death the leveller', 'death is no respecter of persons' these are terms that i always used, casually or not. somehow, these terms now come to me as so much more real, so much more painfully cruel.
there's always the thought of maybe, somehow, i could have talked to him then.
maybe, somehow, i could have gotten to know him better.
maybe, somehow, i could have been there for him.
well, it's too late now. he's gone and gone for good.
this post is then in memory of an acquaintance i barely knew,
called forth from what little i remembered of him.
Thank God for my memory.
what i remember of wesley, for some reason, still comes as more than a shady memory.
true, i haven't seen him in more than 3 years, and once since 6 odd years?
what i know of him and his issues were mainly conveyed to me by my mother.
He always struck me as a timid but very nice lad.
his pale complexion and soft gestures spoke of a polite young man.
in my younger days i do remember times spent at his home, whcih i used to visit.
i remember the pool outside his house where i swam once or twice.
I remember the neat room he used to stay in.
I remember his bashful attitude which seemed to me a book that didn't want to be opened.
all in all, i remember him as a nice lad.
as we grew up, he stopped coming to church, so i barely saw him.
of course, i stil heard about him and did want to approach him.
amos and elsia did approach him when i was in j1 i think.
and i know nat sim did talk to him a bit.
we did try to invite him to our 17 yr old gathering last year.
i would always remember the pleading face of his mom asking us to talk to him, to befriend him.
sigh. how unfortunate. never had the time huh?
what a pathetic, unfeeling excuse.
now look, what is there to chase after?
vanity of vanities, all is vanity.
all of us deserve to be rebuked.
what pittance we have given to wesley.
he deserved more.
even now, this inanimate unfeeling stone i call my heart feels nothing.
nothing more than passivity. a passing piece of news.
the modern society has desensitized what i conceptualize of death.
but a concept? but a passing necessity? an arbitrary constant to all man?
what has become of today's society? what has become of me?
i deeply yearn to feel something.
to feel a deep remorse, regret, longing for.
but, all i see, is a dark abyss. a black hole. a void.
as we all grow up, the deceased we know also increases.
just recently, i remember chong kiat, aunty ruby, and now wesley.
all i see of them and what they mean to me, are but holes.
voids which were once occupied, which were once meaningful.
what is wrong with me.
as i grow up, i know there'll be more of this.
i'll be seeing more of life.
and i hope. i do hope, i'd feel more.
to those voids that now are present, i want to keep locked in my memory.
i don't want to forget.
it is only now that i realize how painful and how regretful it is to forget.
to forget things that once were is to throw them away.
memories can never be revived but they are memories.
they are things, mysterious substances that, i believe, add to one's psyche.
it is every little thing that happens to a person, that makes a person who he or she really is.
and i don't want to forget.
the ultimatum posed by 'forgetting' is too cruel.
i don't want to forget.
i really don't.
